I re-wrote this post a handful of times. The challenge that I had was deciding whether I wanted to talk about my experiences from the beginning. Instead, I decided that it is best to start with the steps it took for me to heal. I know I know… you want to know the juicy gossip (haha) but maybe that will be a story for another time. For now, I want to share with anyone who is going through the struggles of a breakup or a divorce the steps I took to heal after a traumatic experience.
A little back story… But not too much detail. I got married to a servicemember after 5 months of knowing him (I know, typical military relationship haha). We were married for 3 years. In 2019 my handsome baby born was born, one month later I filed for divorce, and 4 months later the divorce was finalized. Crazy to have a baby and get divorced in the same year. It sure wasn’t the easiest decision but little did I know at the time it would be the best decision I have ever made.
There is a grieving process. It’s the little chart that you will find when searching on Google “Healing process after a divorce” I looked at that chart many times, but felt I wasn’t making any progress. I was stuck between – Anger, Grieving, Depression, and Acceptance – the cycle would just continue to go in a loop. Until one morning I woke up and said “enough is enough. I will not let him continue to drain me”. I wanted to stop hating him for what he did to me. That’s when I created my own steps.
Here are the steps that helped ME heal after my divorce. I hope it will help you too.
1. I joined a Divorce Support group (Facebook)
2. Don’t angry text/call
(I would vent to the group when I felt like doing that)
3. Don’t try to explain the hurt you feel to your ex. If they actually cared you wouldn’t be having the conversation, to begin with, and you wouldn’t be divorced.
4. Do something you always wanted to do that you couldn’t do with him
5. Set up something fun for you and your kid(s). Plan a vacation, do a fun science experiment in the backyard, or build a birdhouse. Anything to keep your mind distracted and only focused on that beautiful smile of your kid(s)
6. After a week or two of crying it out. Try to start co-parenting EARLY (use the app. “App Close” to plan visitation and communicate if needed)
7. Keep all conversations ONLY about your kid(s). If it is not related to your child, do not respond. Keep it that way until you both can get to a point of talking casually
8. Delete him from social media until you feel you are ready to see his post without feeling angry. (Send pictures of your kid(s)or if you have an iPhone or Dropbox create an album to upload photos and videos he can access)
9. GET OUTSIDE! Do not stay inside. Go for a walk, and take the kids to the playground. Try to spend at least 30 minutes outside.
10. Listen to motivational speeches
11. Go back to school or take a painting class
12. It’s ok to break down. Just don’t make it a long-term thing.
13. Find a way to accept what happened. He wasn’t your one, but someone else is.
You will get through this and you will be okay. Stay strong! Remember to focus on YOU and your child/children.